I wanted to show everyone this letter I recieved and the answer I returned. I get quite a few of these types of letters.

She wrote: 

I read your entry about you and your wife, I could have written that entry! I have had a dysfunctional life for most of it, but always felt I had done o.k. in spite of or because of I am not sure. I got remarried a few years ago after being single for 4 years. My husband is well aware of the past and says he understands! But everytime I am angry at him he blames it all on the past experiences, it is like he uses it as a crutch, he knows I question my own judgement often on what is "normal" I work everyday at overcoming my feelings of the past, I mean actively work at it! I am in a field where I see sad everyday!So I use that to remember how lucky I am,sometimes it just does not work! My husband had lied to me several times about his ex- girl friend( long story) that had finally gotten resolved then while in the middle of dealing with a family death my husband flew to see his parents but as a side trip(which I knew nothing about) flew to baltimore for a trip to Flints nude club with friends to a bachlor party. He lied for several weeks to set it up, booked separate flights,signed in hotel under different name etc...etc..When I found out about it all he was so apologetic I was devastated because he had lied to me. I had been lied to and cheated on most of my life, he knew this. Today 1 month later I lost it with him about it again, he told me to grow up! I am not posting this for affirmation as much as looking for ways to address this .

I answered: 

First of all. I will deal with your husband in a bit.  You told me that your husband uses you’re past as a crutch.  I’m sure he does.  I did the same with my wife.  On the other side of that, so do you.  People so easily blame who they are from the past that they had.  You hold the past very close to you.  You use it as a guideline to the person you think you are.  This is not so.  The past is just that, the past.  It is there for learning purposes only.  We make the decision to allow the past to affect who we are.  You say you had a dysfunctional life.  Has it stopped?  Or do you continue to lead a dysfunctional life.  The feelings that you have are created are by thoughts.  Thinking is as natural to us as breathing.  It just happens.  We can’t control our thoughts.  What we can do, is be aware of our thoughts.  I am guessing that you are allowing  your thoughts to control your life.  I do not know what happened in your childhood, but I am guessing that it was quite unpleasant in one form or another.  Parents have this horrible ability to affect their children in substantial ways.  But, you as an adult can very easily think and understand what happened as a child.  The problem is, we do not think.  We accept the things that were said and done to us.  We hold this information as a credible truth.  We don’t take the time to be aware of our past experiences and chalk them up as lessons learned. 

Now about your husband.  I am also guessing that you are not a fan of sex.  I am also guessing that your husband is.  Most men are.  Most women discount a man’s need for sex.  Most men discount a woman’s need for emotion.  They end up falling further apart until the man ends up cheating on his wife or vice versa.  It is very hard for me to be able to give you advice on your relationship.  If you can honestly say your husband has good character, then I would tell you to work this out.  If not, you need to leave.  Without knowing your situation, I would suggest finding help to deal with your feelings.  This help may come and reading books, talking too couples whose marriage have lasted more than 20 years, or a good Christian counselor.  This is not as hard as you think it is.  So get that out of your head right now.  First and foremost, work on yourself.  People go through life on autopilot.  They have forgot how to think and use their brain.  Life is not easy, but with god it is manageable.  You need to dump your past and live like the person you know you are.  I don’t care what anyone says about me I know who I am, and I know what kind of person I am.  It is as simple as that.  Another guess that there are things about yourself that you don’t like.  It may be things like weight, hair, teeth, or your personality.  Learn how to deal with these.  I was a ass most of my life.  I learned how to not be and ass by reading books and listening to tapes.  One book I highly recommend for your marriage is a book called “His needs her needs” you can click here to get this book.